Hello out there! People often say I’m second best, but you know what, after you’re done eyeballing Chrissy like some sweaty construction worker, you can just park it mister, because Janet knows the truth. Once some ditzy hot chick dumps you after she’s spent all of your money, the one who will be standing here in a numbered jersey is me. Waiting for you. To wise up.

So get your muscle car and your pin-up girl out of your system. And then come find me. Near-retarded blondes will only last an episode or two, I can last a lifetime. Suzanne Somers thought she was irreplaceable, and she was given a map to the land of late-night infomercials.

Just because I’ve got some brains up top doesn’t mean I don’t like to wear a terrifically suggestive top once in a while! Chopped liver I might be, but this chopped liver has seen enough to know that love is more than buying your blond girlfriend a fake tan for her birthday! How about a Ms. Magazine subscription – that sounds sexy to me!

And to all of you people who think I’m being a frump – shame on you! You deserve your shallow-minded so and so’s!

To those blondes who happen to be reading this: it is NOT OK to dump water on my head when you are watering the outdoor plants!!!!!!

By the way, I enjoy gardening, long walks on the beach, trips to the zoo and the Regal Beagle. I don’t enjoy people who only hear part of the conversation and assume there's some hanky panky going on, I mean geez!!